I Sit Here

I sit here staring at the screen with my mind screaming at me to write something down, "Get it Out!" , whatever it takes to remove this sickly feeling deep in my gut. My sister just wrote a blog about her anger. Her rightful, justifiable anger. There were some things that she wrote to some unnamed people that she wanted me to proofread to make sure they weren't too harsh. Both of these people deserved a harsh lashing. But, my reaction was different than it ever has been before. Normally, April is very forgiving, always giving second, third, and fourth chances. I am usually pretty logical about situations and try to look at situations the way God tells us to....with Love. But, all I saw as I was proofreading was "Give it all to them, They deserve it!" Now, I do realize that God is not glorified with that reaction and I have repented. But I've had to repent several times for the same feelings because they just keep seeping to the surface. I AM ANGRY! I don't have the same magnitude of anger as Holly, nor is it directed in exactly the same way, but it is, alas, sickening anger. I didn't lose my best friend like Holly, I just lost a friend. I didn't lose my soulmate like Holly, but I did lose a wonderful soul. I prayed harder for Amy to live and get well than I have ever prayed for anyone before. We had a couple of sessions at work and in my car to go work on audits when I held her precious hand in mine and prayed a prayer I didn't even think I was capable of. I wanted her to live with everything in my being and she didn't. I'm not angry at God. I know that death is part of life and we all go at different times. I fully trust God that he is not to blame. Nothing yucky comes from God. We live in a fallen world and death happens, but Praise God for the promise that it is not the end.

I believe my anger is mainly directed at the situation itself. My heart burns with sadness for my sister. I want to take it away, I want to shove it under the couch, I want to drown it in the lake. I can't stand the fact that she has to endure this. As selfish as this sounds, I miss my sister. I've only seen a genuine smile on her face maybe once or twice in the 12 days she's been home. It's like some alien has come down and stolen her essence. I want to find that alien, kick his green hiney and beat that essence right back out of him!!!!

For now, I will just continue to try to be there for my sister! And I will try with God's help to not rip anyone's head off and slowly wait for this anger to dissipate!!