I Sit Here

I sit here staring at the screen with my mind screaming at me to write something down, "Get it Out!" , whatever it takes to remove this sickly feeling deep in my gut. My sister just wrote a blog about her anger. Her rightful, justifiable anger. There were some things that she wrote to some unnamed people that she wanted me to proofread to make sure they weren't too harsh. Both of these people deserved a harsh lashing. But, my reaction was different than it ever has been before. Normally, April is very forgiving, always giving second, third, and fourth chances. I am usually pretty logical about situations and try to look at situations the way God tells us to....with Love. But, all I saw as I was proofreading was "Give it all to them, They deserve it!" Now, I do realize that God is not glorified with that reaction and I have repented. But I've had to repent several times for the same feelings because they just keep seeping to the surface. I AM ANGRY! I don't have the same magnitude of anger as Holly, nor is it directed in exactly the same way, but it is, alas, sickening anger. I didn't lose my best friend like Holly, I just lost a friend. I didn't lose my soulmate like Holly, but I did lose a wonderful soul. I prayed harder for Amy to live and get well than I have ever prayed for anyone before. We had a couple of sessions at work and in my car to go work on audits when I held her precious hand in mine and prayed a prayer I didn't even think I was capable of. I wanted her to live with everything in my being and she didn't. I'm not angry at God. I know that death is part of life and we all go at different times. I fully trust God that he is not to blame. Nothing yucky comes from God. We live in a fallen world and death happens, but Praise God for the promise that it is not the end.

I believe my anger is mainly directed at the situation itself. My heart burns with sadness for my sister. I want to take it away, I want to shove it under the couch, I want to drown it in the lake. I can't stand the fact that she has to endure this. As selfish as this sounds, I miss my sister. I've only seen a genuine smile on her face maybe once or twice in the 12 days she's been home. It's like some alien has come down and stolen her essence. I want to find that alien, kick his green hiney and beat that essence right back out of him!!!!

For now, I will just continue to try to be there for my sister! And I will try with God's help to not rip anyone's head off and slowly wait for this anger to dissipate!!

Right Now.....

Right Now.....I really should be studying for my Final tomorrow in Advanced Accounting. But my mind is racing with thoughts and my heart is hurting. I'm just really in need of a getaway. It doesn't even have to be an actual getaway to another city or state....it just needs to be a getaway from thoughts, hurts, fears, worries, procrastination, etc....I need a refresher. I need to regenerate. And I don't know how to do it. I feel like I can't do anything right.....as a mother, as a wife, as an employee, as a friend, as a student, as a freakin' Human Being sometimes. I'm sick of judgmental people who don't take a second to examine their own needs and desires before criticizing someone else for theirs. I expect to be taken seriously! I expect respect!! I expect tolerance to the same degree that I would offer! I expect some leeway!! Give me a break.....I'm doing all I can do....and some days I'm not so successful, but EVERYDAY I have my God at my right hand helping me through it. I am working on some things.....some things harder than I ever dreamed I would. Give me Time....Give me Reassurance....Give me a "You're Doing A Great Job, April" just because you love me, know me, and can see I need it!

Love me for me. If you REALLY know me, you'd love me! Help me when it looks like I need it. Hug me when my chest cries out for some contact! Offer an ear when I need one to chew off or just whisper in! Know that every intention I have when I set out on an endeavor is a noble, good one! I may not have thought of every obstacle I might encounter, but I'm going to trudge through it....because that's how I am! I may be sloppy in that endeavor and I may not copy your EXACT manner if you were making the same endeavor, but I'll get it done!!

Pray for me...instead of attacking me! I need fervent prayer everyday....everyone does and we are commanded by God to do it! Love me............in spite of Me!!!!